Getting Angry with God

Sounds blasphemous, doesn't it. Sorry, but who else is there to vent at, when all the evil of the world pours into a young life?

The evil is pediatric cancer, and i just can't get passed PISSED!

It's so wrong.

Wrong that it's been around THIS LONG, and the $$$$ have flowed, and we're STILL NO CLOSER!

Wrong that BABIES get this awful disease.

Wrong that their parents have to hold little hands, while the only path we seem to have to remission, is also the path that ravages their little bodies.

Wrong that mommy has to do this. Has to watch the pain of someone that she has labored and brought into this world. Wrong that she has to convince her child that the hurt is 'for the best' Wrong that THIS is her only hope!

IM ANGRY! IT'S UNDESERVING!

This is not a choice anyone made! This is not the fault of a family! We are asked to live our lives with love for each other, humbly, and in His Service. We try to keep our morality high, and give back to the world. We pray.

and then this???

Worse than angry is the helplessness that the bystander feels. We can pray (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and send money, but even then the FRUSTRATION of watching a family fight this beast and really NEVER being able to help them is HELL! WHY WHY WHY??!!

Worse than anger is the feeling in my heart when MY little bundle wakes this morning, and looking at her with the knowledge that is not a discriminating disease...THIS HAPPENS EVERYDAY...to THOUSANDS of families! It will touch all of us in some way. And there is not ONE DAMN THING we can do to prevent it!

I DO question my faith. I'm sorry, but i do!

I'm so angry, and sad, and just...impotent in my mommy need to 'make it all better'

It's been decades of research...WHY is this beast not tamed?! Why is there not a 'cocktail' that ALLOWS a life while the cure is being researched. Why is there not a vaccine? Why is there not even a REASON!?

WHY???

How can THIS much pain in a child BE ALLOWED???

how can mother be PUT THROUGH THIS?

I cannot BELIEVE that the blessings of Life we hold so dear, can be allowed to be RAVAGED! Where is the 'all-knowing, all-loving' PART OF THIS!

Eventually, I know I'll calm down. I'll regret my transgression, I'll fall into a ball of tears and beg for mercy. I'll beg for mercy for the children.

But the fire will still be there, the questions unanswered, the reasons unknown, the cure no closer.

and another mom will get the diagnosis.



I'm so very angry.

Here's little PJ!!

yea yea...i know...you've seen him..ive put him up on my myspace...emailed him around to my friends that don't know them....called people! talked about him at work!! why???...i don't know..

but just LOOK at him! Look at those 'brand new to the world' eyes....SEE THE LOVE...oh man..i can just FEEL it!

There has been SO much strife lately...

losses of children to cancer...

the anniversary of 9-11 and thus of Larry's mom (who just dropped the morning after 9-11...like the shock was too much)

the loss of life in iraq.....and the sheer FRUSTRATION over THAT mess...

so much SAD...that for some reason...this little guy just has SLAPPED me upside the head and said..."I'M HERE! IT'S LIFE! I'ts NEW LIFE! " just CELEBRATE!!

and i feel like spring has sprung all over again.

God Bless you, Daniel and Kathy and your family.

Thank you for getting the results of the test and saying YAY! we're having a BOY! with DS!

I SO know how you felt when we got the news...almost 8 years ago now.....i was off my guourd....but only for a couple of hours....but then?? i said YAY!

New babies...

New Life...

and NEW HOPE

hope for the world.

THESE babies especially offer hope for a new world...a world of acceptance...a world of understanding....and patience...and pure unconditional love. This is what they BRING to us! and maybe, just maybe...we'll take the time to learn.

The Human Destructo-Machine.


That's my Molly...I hear "Little Bear" starting on my bedroom television, so can take a minute to post up...and ONLY Little Bear, Sponge Bob or Dora, can allow me this precious time.
I know...I KNOW, it's not good to let them have too much TV time....the TV should not be the babysitter...etc but GIVE ME A BREAK!

She's MESMERIZED by it! She won't move, she barely breathes and her head is cocked back like it's too big for that little neck, and her mouthed is slightly agape. When we do get a new word out of her, it's not one she's learned in speech, or from the thousands of cards displayed in charts among the rooms of the house...it's a word used by little bear or spongebob or dora. She LOVES them!


Plus? then I get the bonus of a chance to do some of the mommy chore's that await.
My bedroom is a disaster area. She's been in there shredding a little paper, and dumping the basket of toys she keeps in the bassinette. Yep, the borrowed bassinette is still in my bedroom. It now holds bedding, outgrown clothing, and a variety of little hidden treasures I've probably been looking for.


Yes, the bedding has to be right there, as we have to change our sheets daily...if not, it would be necessary to give them a good vacuuming before we dare bunk down for the night. i know, I KNOW!! WHO vacuums their sheets?????


The bed is already stripped,...the sheets in the washer playfully dancing their daily aggitating jig, while all the joys of yesterdays fun and cuisine are sifting out of them.


Her bedroom is nothing BUT wall to wall toys, although they are binned, and she's only allowed one bin at a time...she just can't handle them being all 'cooped up like that' neat, and in their proper place. If it's in a toybox, in a drawer, in a bin or bag...FIRST AND FOREMOST she has to dump it over and free the little captives! She's OBSESSIVE about it!


Her newest thing is pouring. Pouring her beloved pretzels out of the bag, and into a pyrex pudding bowl. She's proud of herself in this endeavor...never mind the OTHER 19 ounces of twists laying on the floor, amid their bed of salty chunk dust...She happily takes off with the little bowl, into my room, to see what's happening in there, and to stick them to my sheets with her magic glue. I'm sure by the look of accomplishment on her face, that she is VERY proud that she can do that all be herself!


We own TWO big dogs, a german shepherd and a chocolate lab...neither of which like pretzels.


I spend my days off, wandering from room to room, examinging the evidence, cleaning up one war zone while listening to another going on in some other room... and smiling. Yea, smiling.
I am amazed everyday at all she's accomplished, her drive, her idiosyncrasies, her climbing ability, her secret-spy hiding places, and the way the fingerprints on the sliding glass door reach all the way to the top!


This from a child born with the pre-diagnosis of 'slow' and 'low muscle tone'. I don't see the slow. I run after her constantly, and yet STILL can't keep ahead of the mess!
So don't come to my house, expecting to sit down without moving a stack of pageless books, and brushing off the cheeto-remains first...and don't expect your drink to come in a real glass. We still operate with corningware and plastic tumblers around here.


Do expect to see happy parents amidst the ruins, who can count among their newly acquired talents being able to sing the opening song of Spongebob Squarepants, and revel at how much she has grown, by measuring the footprint left in ketsup on the blue carpeting.


e

On a side note? I HIGHLY recommend Tide with Febreeze Detergent, the Dyson Animal Vacuum Cleaner which can suck up toys and socks into a tube that allows their rescue without destruction....as well as the Mr Clean Magic Eraser...which has yet to fail us no matter WHAT material she's painting with on ANY surface!

:-)

ok...ive been neglecting this site...so sue me. i have MYSPACE! but now that the newness has worn off, i realize that i also need to hit here..and maybe stumble onto a few more mom's (tag downs syndrome) which is my main focus in life!

Finding the new moms...letting them know it's gonna be ok...and keeping up with the experienced mom's...and LOOKING FOR HELP!!!!!

This marks our first weeks of school, and it's going DOWNHILL FAST! Evidently, miss molly kate has realized that she will NOT be returning to miss sisco's kindergarten class, and WILL be staying in ms white's 1st grade class, AND SHE IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT!

This, of course, would be communicated in MISS STINKY PANTS! Hitting..pushing...and throwing.

Ugh...it's just started, and she DOES have the remainder of a nasty cold, so hopefully, with a little time and patience...this too shall pass. I'm thinking though, that for their protection, it's all the OTHER kids that need to wear helmets! ha!

She's also switched from ONLY sponge bob...back to the wiggles. Maybe it's not by accident...maybe she's trying to 'get back there' to the time when she wasn't expected to go potty in the toilet...or go to school....or get up early. Maybe it's what we ALL want sometimes.

On the 'others' updates. Bill and angela are currently on a Carnival Cruiser with bill's brother Josh, and his wife....on the way to cozumel. He's been saving two years for this trip...and im SO proud of him!

Gabriel is back in college...although i know it's stressful as he's acting out, also....but calling ME and raging instead of pushing the kid in class! UGH! Half of me wants to run and help both of them...the other half knows that some things?? they just have to work out for themselves. We'll see which half wins this week.

Shauna is rarely seen, and not often heard from...she's taken a new position with the DOJ, as a prosecuting litigator...and the hours are long and hectic. *beam* Her run-in's with pimps are a little unsettling..but not too, as i could hear her SPARKLING, as she recounts them to me! Yep, she's pumped!

The sarge, i think, enjoyed me being home...at least he ate better during the day! I really want to retire...but am too chicken. Besides...i like to spend my money...and he doesnt like to spend HIS...im sure it would end up being one of them bones....

I took the summer off, and tried to get my missy ready for 1st grade...but mostly got fat and soft. I am not good at home...too comfy.

Nice to see ya...im backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

e

Weird Missouri Weather

Thanksgiving week, we closed the pool and set up the Christmas tree in the same day, bare foot and in shorts! It was a balmy week of 80 degrees and I was in heaven!

This week, we had our first major storm plow through. I spent a fortune on food and projects to do while iced in, and then we lucked out and were jussssst far enough south NOT to get it! We are however suffering through some of the coldest temps we've seen in awhile. Shauna out in DC, is 30 degrees warmer than us now!

Today, we finally bought the big screen. To everyones dismay, not LCD(sorry gabe) but the rear projection DLP, which would net us more screen size for what we wanted to invest, plus more longevity. Im not sure how it looks, and the sarge is still struggling with putting the stand together while trying to watch the chiefs!

Molly Kate brought home a note from school. She did the big job on the toy toy!! YAY! She is being so stubborn about training....1/2 pure mule, and 1/2 is just shyness!! Who wouldnt NOT WANT people in there cheering on such a private thing! poor kid.

Shauna was home for T-day, but not the boys...hoping for a bigger housefull for Christmas....but mama has to realize that everyone has lives, and both the boys have 'significant others' who also have needs. *sigh* Bill made it home for deer season, and we go to Springfield to see gabe, so at least Molly was THRILLED! Seeing her sibs is the highlight of her life!

We are busy preparing the house for the season (it's so much more fun to do with Molly helping...she is SO busy with the tree decorating, which i'm sure will last all month.) And really looking forward to a New Year...the end of this one has been so full of tragedy...I'm ready to be done with it, and move on to some fun.

My friend and Confidant lost his marriage after many, many years.....and I see him struggling so hard with his decision. All my prayers are with him, as well as my friends from 'the room' ....the place where my girlfriends are.

There are 2 dealing with serious health issues with their 'angel babies', one dealing with her own health issues as well as those of her children, and my bestest bud...who has the world on her shoulders right now, with the beast attacking her sister-in-law, and struggles with relationships of her own.

Kind of vague i know....but still close in my heart and thoughts....amazingly enough, ALL of them were there for me last month, as we dealt with the awfulness here. What great friends i have!

Walmart is just simmering...we've seen some demonstrations, heard rumors, and i feel like come january my job is gonna be ripped right out from under me. I saw that Ford motor did the same thing this month. I hope that the payouts, or 'severence' that they offer is as good as Fords.....it's tough working among the tension, rumors, and split between management & associates...as well as the split between old time associates & the new hires. I really think the Home Office is screwing up with this whole plan. Time will tell.

On a high note, I'm back from Chicago, and had a FAB time with my little girl, who was sworn in by the Ill Supreme Ct!! I finally got to meet her friends and classmates (who were AWESOME) and some of their parents!

My heart does break a little, for this young woman, as she tries to balance love, life, and a new career in a foreign city. She is flying home from D.C. for Thanksgiving, and I hope to fatten her up a bit, and let her rest with no worries.

Mama's house=No Worries. It's usually messy, but filled with laughter, and warmth, and the best place in the world, to take an all day nap induced by a huge meal.

On the sad side of things, we are just recovering from Double Funerals 2 weeks ago, of friends and daddies of two little girls that go to school with my molly. Today, I join our entire school district, to bury one of the daddy's wife.

Miss Vicky went into the hospital, the day after we buried her husband. She never came home. A frail woman, she could not recover from the grief. It seem to engulf and eventually kill her.

Miss Vicky taught my oldest three children, in the first grade. We have known each other a long time. Since both of us found the 'love of our lives' late in life.....AND chose to have a child in this new love, we became friends again. We shared the disgust of having people gossip, and THEN have the gaul to ask us about our 'grandbabies'....we shared the kinship of the miracle of love, that only us two understood.

Today will be difficult for me, more tragic than the Wall of Shock that hit with the boat accident. She was only 45.

And a little 6 year old girl, has to try and understand death, being orphaned, and moving in with papa and mama.

Big week, and if anyone out there has an extra prayer or two for this family....please do what you can to ease their grief.

*sigh*

and another month flies by...the big, light-up pumpkin has been moved indoors, and into storage, and my thoughts are toying with the ideas of the upcoming holiday season....Do these seasons pass as fast for you?

I got a little vacation, and flew to Texas to lounge in my girlfriend's pool, sleep deep, eat too well, laugh hard, cry harder, and bask in the conversation of good friends. My thanks to all of you for coming, and especially to brandi, who hosted all the gabby women...I miss you all terribly, and can't wait till the next time we can all be together. My prayers and much gratitude to your families, for letting you all slip away for a bit just to entertain me. Loves will come and go, but girlfriends are forever.....(sistahhhhhhhhhs)

And back i flew to the rat-race and my job....which prior to this "flight' thing, was my career. *sigh*

Everyone has been SO worked up by wal~marts latest moves, that i can barely think straight! I live day to day in fear of losing my job, they are watching every move anyone makes, and people are leaving by the droves. Long term assoc's are leaving...my work family...people that loved their jobs are taking pay cuts, to get while the gittin's good.

They continue to spin to the press, making everyone think the assoc's are fat and lazy and whiners....nothing could be further from the truth.They have instituted policies, that are making the long term assoc quit...or stay and work AWFUL hours, (stay till midnight, be back in at 8am) one of the many ways they have to force you to quit. We are no longer wanted or needed, as ms chambers has decided that the 19 yr old college student, working part=time, can do everything that i can do, at a fraction of the cost....she thinks that they will save the company in the long run, as i am sure to develope diabetes and/or have a heart attack....but what she doesnt understand, that in 20 years, i've never had an accident....The young ones? oh man, it's constant with them...the constant jacking around that kids do, is just one reason why.

And the incident with the blow-jobs in the hay trailor???? well, lets just say that there were no adults out there....

The only way we can save ourselves (and the company) is to bring in a union...something i never thought i EVER would say....but what other options do we have??? we just can't stand up to Bentonville alone....something i never thought we would HAVE to do! And when Bentonville screams about the onset of the union....i hope they direct the screaming at the exec's that caused it.



Ive never been a union man....but since the H.O. quit caring about the workers that enabled them to have that second home, and jag in the driveway....i am about ready to side with ANYONE that can stop this mess! It is so totally not fair. And not a word from the Walton's....

To top things off, last nights communication was laced with what is yet to come. They will cut my vacation, my sick pay, and my profit sharing....Sam gave me the profit sharing, as a reward for the 20 past years....and all of us that got this company up and off the ground. The untold late hours, the unpaid lunch breaks, the 4am warehouse 'parties' We felt obligated to do whatever necessary to make it happen......and now??? now they are taking away my retirement. *sigh*

It seems, that AFTER the holidays (when they've squeezed every last bit of blood we have to offer) they will offer the 15 yr plus assoc a "severence pkg". If we choose not to accept it, and stay with our job (which many have to due to the insurance factor) then they will force us out, and we lose the profit sharing anyway. I hope the severence pay, is as nice as the one they let the embezzler at Headquarters leave with....they paid him about 6 million. THEY PAID HIM 6 MILLION AFTER HE GOT CAUGHT RIPPING US OFF!! wow....and my annual poverty wage seems to be what is going to drag them all down in the future??? amazing, isnt it???

I live between rumors, lies, innuendos and stress. The company is lying, the union is lying, and people are FEARING for the future. This is not the work environment that Mr. Sam had in mind. This is Susan *f/u-in-da CHAMBERS, and Eduweirdo Castro WRONG....I know that one day, when they are writing the eulogy of the company....they will know that those two led in the demise.
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On the home front, and probably causing an "unexused absence" was the loss of two of our young men, in this small ozark area. Loved by all, their lives we're lost doing what they loved.....fishing a bass tourney. They left behind classmates of my kindergartner, and the mommies that now have to go on and raise these beautiful children alone.

Halloween was a brighter day, and i saw one of the children smile and laugh again....My missy was picked as "prettiest costume" in her little class, and while momma beamed....i watched her walk from the place where the finalist were seated....back to her classmates. She wasnt too impressed with the whole deal....i mean...she was happy to be in the parade, but at the end of the day she would rather just be with her buds. I like the way she thinks.

Uncle Jack has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and Little Bill made it home with his wonderful girlfriend, and a new baby shitzu....to visit with him, and take his old mom, and his little sister...on a hike through the ozarks woods. It had been raining for a week, and he came home, the sun came out, and the temp rose to 80! That boy just does it that way for me.!!

I fly to chicago this week, to see my eldest sworn in by the Ill Supreme Court. She makes my world bright also. I havent seen her for awhile, and all my mommy cells are anxious to hug her!

Pray for all the above families, if you have the time....Make sure you take a second to kiss your spouse and your children tonight, and PLEASE keep in mind, that words like "retard" used as an adjective....do nothing but show ignorance, intolerance, and make you less than a desireable collegue, by one in four of anyone within earshot.

We need to continue to strive to make this world a little better, than it was when we got it.

Peace,

e