Sunday, September 23, 2007

Getting Angry with God

Sounds blasphemous, doesn't it. Sorry, but who else is there to vent at, when all the evil of the world pours into a young life?

The evil is pediatric cancer, and i just can't get passed PISSED!

It's so wrong.

Wrong that it's been around THIS LONG, and the $$$$ have flowed, and we're STILL NO CLOSER!

Wrong that BABIES get this awful disease.

Wrong that their parents have to hold little hands, while the only path we seem to have to remission, is also the path that ravages their little bodies.

Wrong that mommy has to do this. Has to watch the pain of someone that she has labored and brought into this world. Wrong that she has to convince her child that the hurt is 'for the best' Wrong that THIS is her only hope!


This is not a choice anyone made! This is not the fault of a family! We are asked to live our lives with love for each other, humbly, and in His Service. We try to keep our morality high, and give back to the world. We pray.

and then this???

Worse than angry is the helplessness that the bystander feels. We can pray (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and send money, but even then the FRUSTRATION of watching a family fight this beast and really NEVER being able to help them is HELL! WHY WHY WHY??!!

Worse than anger is the feeling in my heart when MY little bundle wakes this morning, and looking at her with the knowledge that is not a discriminating disease...THIS HAPPENS THOUSANDS of families! It will touch all of us in some way. And there is not ONE DAMN THING we can do to prevent it!

I DO question my faith. I'm sorry, but i do!

I'm so angry, and sad, and just...impotent in my mommy need to 'make it all better'

It's been decades of research...WHY is this beast not tamed?! Why is there not a 'cocktail' that ALLOWS a life while the cure is being researched. Why is there not a vaccine? Why is there not even a REASON!?


How can THIS much pain in a child BE ALLOWED???

how can mother be PUT THROUGH THIS?

I cannot BELIEVE that the blessings of Life we hold so dear, can be allowed to be RAVAGED! Where is the 'all-knowing, all-loving' PART OF THIS!

Eventually, I know I'll calm down. I'll regret my transgression, I'll fall into a ball of tears and beg for mercy. I'll beg for mercy for the children.

But the fire will still be there, the questions unanswered, the reasons unknown, the cure no closer.

and another mom will get the diagnosis.

I'm so very angry.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Our twins were died the day he was born, but Eric lived 8 months. He went through a lot of suffering in that short life, and that gives me a very small insight to what you are dealing with. We'll pray for you and your family. Dennis and Janet