Thursday, December 27, 2007

The Quiet after the Holiday Storm

it’s quiet

I'm on vacation...and the house is quiet. Even the sarge, who is ALWAYS on the move with this project or that...has been beaten into resting by a bug. (and the antihistab i slipped him & his runny nose)

Molly is busy with all of her new toys...amazing me with her 'mothering' tendancies, which Santa has enhanced by bringing new babies, diapers, bottles, high chairs...etc. We have no babies around here...where did she learn it?

I'm tired. I hate aging. We ran to KC yesterday to pick up kelsi for a holiday visit...and you would think i would have LITERALLY ran up there! The trip pooped me out, and i am a stumbling zombie today. At 11am, Kelsi is still sleeping. A typical 15 year old, she's a night owl and a day sleeper.

Housework is calling...I'm redoing the laundry room, which has been the 'ham-radio' room for the first 7 years...he finally moved out and into one of the bedrooms vacated by the grown children. There is alot of work to be done in there...part of the reason for the vacation...

but not yet....

I'm pooped.

I sit here thinking about what to write today, wanting to hide from my responsibilities, timestamp the holiday, and watch and marvel at my miss molly kate.

Now that is something i could do for a living...watching molly.

She's hillarious most of the time...studious...obsessive...and just generally entertaining! I thank the heavens daily, that she inherited my sense of humor. I see it sprouting from her every day.

I find myself studying her, and trying to figure her out. There's something there I'm missing...and it frustrates BOTH of us. There is a key to unlocking all that she is...all that she holds secret. She glances up from her project and gives me a look, like she's waiting for me to hurry up and figure it out!

She's as smart as a tack, for those of you reading this that DON'T have a child with DS....contrary to popular belief, our kids are very smart...they just find it amusing to hide that fact from the general population.

Currently she is switching from network television to a dvd. She carefully slips 'the wiggles' out of it's plastic case, examines it, blows on it, then promptly rubs it around and around and around on her shirt, to clean it before placing it in it's play-home, and starting it up.

Except, she doesnt ever wear clothes around the house, so the dvd was being rubbed on her belly!

Cracked me up, and explained alot! (why they are always sooooo smudgy!) My little minah bird...always watching, always storing information in her little computer/brain, to be used at a later time, when needed.

she is very appropriate...and mimicks and understands EVERYTHING done by adults, her main peers around here, more so than we're really aware of.

On Thanksgiving, when she ran through the kitchen...she didn't know I had just mopped up a spill... she hit the wet and landed with a thud on her back, the back of her head smacking the floor with thud 2!

No tears, no whining.......worse


was the scream coming out of the kitchen...making mama suck air, and bringing the goofy grin to daddy's face....NOT FUNNY, LARRY!

she doesn't cuss often, and i didn't even know she KNEW both words...chaulking that one up to the losing season of the chiefs and the cardinals this year, and her heathen father/sports nut.

Always appropriate......the usage was articulated perfectly and used in the proper circumstance. It may not be PC...but i'll take it!

Always appropriate....

unless her house is invaded by a well-intention, real white-bearded, Santa, who only wants to enhance her Christmas experience.

She would accept the gifts, but she would not sit on his lap. She sat close to him, but kept a keen eye (really the 'stink-eye') on him...not the awestruck eyes we were going for.

She's very cautious with strangers, and i like that. The cardiologist may NOT reach down her pants to check the femoral artery pulse, and she doesn NOT sit on stranger's laps.

I like that about her.

Then there was Mike. He shoulda been a stranger...but molly saw past that. Mike was a customer of mine at the store. I'd known him for 20 years, but not really, until after knowing molly.

Mike was confined to a wheel chair. I'm not sure if it was polio, or cerebral palsey..or what...never asked, but i kind of avoided him a little, until he started talking to me about movies. John Wayne Movies.

He was obsessed with them...and there was our connection. Molly's obsessions include sponge bob...and no way is john wayne-sponge bob....but the obsession was the same. I could see it, and knew immediately how important it was for this man to have those movies.

I started ordering the hard-to-find VHS (could only be VHS) for him on ebay, and delivering them to him as soon as they came in...that involved a trip to his home, and molly accompanied me on these trips.

Molly and Mike hit it right off...she never wanted to LEAVE. He loved baseball, and when we were at his house, the cardinals would be on his TV, and molly would plop down, and be impossible to move out!

She didn't mind his 'different' way of speaking..or his twisted body...didn't even SEE it as far as i knew. She would take his favorite chair, sit in his wheel chair, and yes...she would sit on his lap.

Mike died mid-august of a damned infection that couldn't be stopped.

Mike's mom's spirit died with him. I'm trying to stay close, but she is inconsolable. Her whole life was dedicated to taking care of this special child, and now she is lost. I'm learning lessons here.

The last day i worked, she came in. She was carrying two huge Christmas gift bags. In one was the VCR i took to the care home...Molly lent it to him, so he could watch his movies while there.

The other was full of gifts for molly....i was aghast!

"Darlene! This was not necessary! I don't know what to say"

She explained to me, that Mike had been working on this bag all year...up until the time he got sick, and that it WAS very necessary for her to deliver it, and for molly to enjoy it!

That was the stranger that wasn't.

Molly knew.

Molly knew Mike was safe, and it was good to be friends with him. She shared her obsessions with him... She never stared at him. He was just mike, and he was very comfortable. He liked molly for just what she is...and i think he appreciated her for NOT staring, i think he appreciated the fact that she DIDN'T care...about things typical people care about. Her only concern was if Pujols had hit a homer yet, and if he was going to plug in one of those movies.

I'm gonna miss you mike. I'm sorry it took me so long to figure you out. I'm sorry your mom is hurting, and i'll do what i can.

I think molly already knows where you are....and will catch up with you later. She's easy like that...she doesn't like the goodbyes....but is patient until next time.


My wish for you is to have a day like i have today. One where you have the time to just sit and marvel at your children. One where you appreciate all that they are....remember, the laundry can wait.

Merry Christmas...and a Blessed Holiday Season to you all!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Early Thanksgiving Morn

Gobble Gobble

my bird is cooking, and the way the house smells is exactly how you remember it smelling when you woke up so many years ago.

The Macy's Day parade is on the TV..and the 2nd pot of coffee is made.

I'm an early riser daily, but really early this day...I still feel the anticipation of a Holiday in the same way i did as a child except now?? Now, I love the giving more than the receiving.

I'm thankful for my warm house...the man that provides it, the baby, now seven years old.. who has never given up the habit of waking and making her way into our bed and snuggling up to her daddy.

I'm Thankful for the huge pit group in the livingroom. Although we do have a guest room, everyone opts to stay in the comfort of a couch that wraps you up in great sleep.

Currently, it is occupied by two young adults.

One of them I birthed, something that is hard to imagine when you look at his 6'4"- 250 pound- size 13 shoes wearing frame. He has a tattoo across his bicep, honoring those he loves and has lost, and a diamond earring that glints at me in the candlelight. An ironic mixture of youth and adulthood.

He snores, loudly, and as I'm gazing at him, the mommy takes over in me and makes a mental note to start naggin him about getting the obvious apnea looked at within the next few weeks, while the deductible is met.

Snuggled head to head to him...his woman. One of the additions to family that happen without the labor, but is just as precious.

She seems to be a little irritable in her sleep. Probably because of the snoring, and the fact that a dog keeps jumping up to join her...... but maybe, just maybe because of that other situation.

The baby. This woman/child who started out to be 'the girlfriend' currently houses my first grandbaby.

She's beautiful and they are going to handle this just fine...but I can't help but notice that in addition to diesel the dump dog...she also is sleeping with a teddy. The build-a-bear that her and gabe made in anticipation of parenthood.


My babies.

My baby is having a baby and this Thanksgiving has an ENTIRELY new and wonderful meaning for me.

The weather has been the same as my life. I drove downtown yesterday marveling at the 76 degree temp. and the beauty of the 100 year old trees brilliantly showing their fall colors as it can only happen in the ozarks.
In the background lies a huge ominous tornado cloud, spouting huge lightning bolts and their ensuing drumrolls.

A torrential rain began, and I watched it from the Tahoe, waiting for it to subside enough for me to run my errand. I waited a longgggg time but not with anxiousness. It was a calming break to a hectic work day. Rain is awesome.

As I drove back to work I shivered and took notice of newly formed chicken-skin, and had to hunt up the heater function of the truck. We rarely use it.

The temp had dropped to 54 in that 1/2 hour, and all those beautiful leaves were now floating down the white-water current that used to be the street....and the majestic trees that held them stand stark naked in the cold.

The temperature this Thanksgiving dawn is about 30 degrees and there are a few little snowflakes flurrying around in the crisp morning air.

Instant winter.
Instant family.
Life changes like the blink of an eye.

It's easy to get bogged down with that fact, and mire in the changes we don't want to happen.
Sometimes they are cruely unfair.
Sometimes youth is stopped the second you experience your first death.
Sometimes adulthood begins the day you find out your pregnant
and most of us know how devistating and long-lasting the ravages of divorce.

But Today? Today we have been granted a fresh start. A chance to embrace change.

Enjoy every second you can.

Appreciate every leaf, every raindrop, every snowflake...and every change in your life.

That IS life....
The continuing miracle of Change.

Happy Thanksgiving

Saturday, October 27, 2007

the big secret

I'm sooooooooooo happy! Ecstatic! Elated!

I got to spend a weekend with almost all of my kids...the WHOLE weekend, a three day stint.

Poor Shauna, who was a tad irritated because her tick is tocking now, and she again has to be the bridesmaid at someone else's wedding! It's always been a worry of her's...especially watching all of the kids in our small town marry and start their families, while she was still working away at school.

Her college girlfriend has been in the planning of this for 2 years, and even though there is NO WAY Ms Coleman, Attny at Law, should pull herself away from a pending case in D.C....she has to. She had committed to the honor 2 years ago, and she is just one of those people who still believe in commitment.

The wedding is full of activities and away in Springfield, where Gabe and Ally live and attend college. We pack up the pets and head for a long weekend of camping at their place and hopefully stealing any time that shauna has away from her obligations. It would be impossible to try and commute back and forth to our home which is over hours drive away.

My youngest son, Bill, is in Fayetteville, Arkansas, but has obligations of his own. He has to be in Little Rock for some continuing education to keep his license up to date. He is a bail-bondsman there. As much as we are going to miss him, we all understand work.

I'm very proud of Bill. He knows the value of that work, he knows how to save money, and he does the right thing no matter HOW much his mother nags him to do otherwise. It's amusing to me, that he, the baby, seems to be the one MOST independent of me.

I know Bill will attain any goal he sets for himself....he's my one that has just started this journey and has all the opportunites of the world at his feet. It is so much fun to watch him's like watching an eagle take flight.
Gabriel is the first to offer whatever is needed in any situation. He is always the 'go-to guy' for everyone he knows. He makes his friends his family and his family his life.

He opened his home and insisted we stay there, continued to work while we were there, and maintained his life in SPITE of us being there.
That's Gabe...he has the biggest heart of any human on earth, and that heart is so tender, despite the massive soul that surrounds it...So much so, that deep down I know he will make the best daddy in the world.

The weekend was fabulous. Our time was limited but used wisely. We got to reconnect as a family and rekindle all that is that precious bond.
Ally and Shauna got to form some new bonds. They have really never got to spend extended time together and I witnessed my family growing again as they took the first steps towards sisterhood.

That's what I did the whole weekend. I watched my family and tried not to cry. I reflected on them as babies and marveled at the way they have become adults.
That happened one day while I was at work with some kind of magic I had heard about from older adults, but really didn't believe in. They all became adults when I wasn't looking.

I'm home today with just my little one, Molly Kate who is now 7. I thought I had just had her last week, I thought she was my 'empty nest' cure...but she's seven and quickly becoming her own person.

It is rumored that she is different than others her age....but then again, so were Shauna, Gabe, and Bill. They were all 'special' children. I have no doubts that Molly will grow into an amazing adult, as the three prefacing her did.
I don't know what she'll be when she grows up, but I know she will grow up in a large, loud, humorous, loving family....with many to guarantee her happiness and to give her counsel and wings.

I had the best weekend of my life last weekend, sitting in my jammies, in an apartment sated with noise and animals and laughter. We did not sleep. We napped when we needed to, but spent every second we could together.

Watching my family grow and bloom into amazing adults should be cosidered one of the wonders of the world, but instead is it's unsung phenomena...the big secret no one told me about....and surely the greatest miracle I will ever witness.

Monday, September 24, 2007

my apology for the sunday morning rant!

sooooooooooo sorry. I'm so very sorry for venting. Here's the story.
In KC we met up with long time online friends, nicki and her husband jim. They have 3 strapping young men for sons, and one little precioussssssssss baby girl, ashlyn.

Ashlyn had a nagging, weird rash...and mommy of COURSE took her to the ped just to double check on it. He ran some blood work, just to make sure it was just a rash.

At 2 am the next morning, after a whirlwind ride of shock, they checked into Childrens in Grand Rapids, MI. Little ashlyn, who's 2 1/2 years old, has leukemia.

Mom, who just ran her little girl in to the local for a check, is now away from home, the boys with daddy at home, and facing at least a MONTH non-stop in the hospital, just to get the ball rolling!. Since none of this was planned, and there was no time to make the preparations one would for an extended vacation, mommy and ashlyn are up there with only the clothes on their backs, and no $$$$

I woke up sunday, and she was my first thought.....and so ended up my sunday post. Just the shock of it all had caught up with me, i guess, and all the anger came pouring out. Sorry you had to witness that,

So anyway...i have a paypal acct with the email of

If any of you reading this, have a few bucks to spare, you can pay pal it to thinking 100 friends, 5 bucks each would make a nice little gift to send onto her. The hidden expenses of this catastrophe are gonna be phenom. They'll have to SUPER clean the house....including vents, and change EVERYTHING about the way they live...pets outside...isolation rooms...etc. As well as the added expense of daddy driving from home, to grand rapids to check on his baby, WHILE trying to keep a normal school schedule with the three older boys, whom im sure are just BLOWN AWAY by the news.

Just a thought. i would LOVE to be able to feel some kind of useful to this family...trying to turn the anger around into a positve i guess.
So, throwing that out there....and if money is too tight this month (and we ALL understand that) PLEASE, offer some prayers up for the easiest possible cure for this baby....and some peace for her family.


Sunday, September 23, 2007

Getting Angry with God

Sounds blasphemous, doesn't it. Sorry, but who else is there to vent at, when all the evil of the world pours into a young life?

The evil is pediatric cancer, and i just can't get passed PISSED!

It's so wrong.

Wrong that it's been around THIS LONG, and the $$$$ have flowed, and we're STILL NO CLOSER!

Wrong that BABIES get this awful disease.

Wrong that their parents have to hold little hands, while the only path we seem to have to remission, is also the path that ravages their little bodies.

Wrong that mommy has to do this. Has to watch the pain of someone that she has labored and brought into this world. Wrong that she has to convince her child that the hurt is 'for the best' Wrong that THIS is her only hope!


This is not a choice anyone made! This is not the fault of a family! We are asked to live our lives with love for each other, humbly, and in His Service. We try to keep our morality high, and give back to the world. We pray.

and then this???

Worse than angry is the helplessness that the bystander feels. We can pray (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and send money, but even then the FRUSTRATION of watching a family fight this beast and really NEVER being able to help them is HELL! WHY WHY WHY??!!

Worse than anger is the feeling in my heart when MY little bundle wakes this morning, and looking at her with the knowledge that is not a discriminating disease...THIS HAPPENS THOUSANDS of families! It will touch all of us in some way. And there is not ONE DAMN THING we can do to prevent it!

I DO question my faith. I'm sorry, but i do!

I'm so angry, and sad, and just...impotent in my mommy need to 'make it all better'

It's been decades of research...WHY is this beast not tamed?! Why is there not a 'cocktail' that ALLOWS a life while the cure is being researched. Why is there not a vaccine? Why is there not even a REASON!?


How can THIS much pain in a child BE ALLOWED???

how can mother be PUT THROUGH THIS?

I cannot BELIEVE that the blessings of Life we hold so dear, can be allowed to be RAVAGED! Where is the 'all-knowing, all-loving' PART OF THIS!

Eventually, I know I'll calm down. I'll regret my transgression, I'll fall into a ball of tears and beg for mercy. I'll beg for mercy for the children.

But the fire will still be there, the questions unanswered, the reasons unknown, the cure no closer.

and another mom will get the diagnosis.

I'm so very angry.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Here's little PJ!!

yea yea...i've seen him..ive put him up on my myspace...emailed him around to my friends that don't know them....called people! talked about him at work!! why???...i don't know..

but just LOOK at him! Look at those 'brand new to the world' eyes....SEE THE LOVE...oh man..i can just FEEL it!

There has been SO much strife lately...

losses of children to cancer...

the anniversary of 9-11 and thus of Larry's mom (who just dropped the morning after the shock was too much)

the loss of life in iraq.....and the sheer FRUSTRATION over THAT mess...

so much SAD...that for some reason...this little guy just has SLAPPED me upside the head and said..."I'M HERE! IT'S LIFE! I'ts NEW LIFE! " just CELEBRATE!!

and i feel like spring has sprung all over again.

God Bless you, Daniel and Kathy and your family.

Thank you for getting the results of the test and saying YAY! we're having a BOY! with DS!

I SO know how you felt when we got the news...almost 8 years ago now.....i was off my guourd....but only for a couple of hours....but then?? i said YAY!

New babies...

New Life...


hope for the world.

THESE babies especially offer hope for a new world...a world of acceptance...a world of understanding....and patience...and pure unconditional love. This is what they BRING to us! and maybe, just maybe...we'll take the time to learn.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Human Destructo-Machine.

That's my Molly...I hear "Little Bear" starting on my bedroom television, so can take a minute to post up...and ONLY Little Bear, Sponge Bob or Dora, can allow me this precious time.
I know...I KNOW, it's not good to let them have too much TV time....the TV should not be the babysitter...etc but GIVE ME A BREAK!

She's MESMERIZED by it! She won't move, she barely breathes and her head is cocked back like it's too big for that little neck, and her mouthed is slightly agape. When we do get a new word out of her, it's not one she's learned in speech, or from the thousands of cards displayed in charts among the rooms of the's a word used by little bear or spongebob or dora. She LOVES them!

Plus? then I get the bonus of a chance to do some of the mommy chore's that await.
My bedroom is a disaster area. She's been in there shredding a little paper, and dumping the basket of toys she keeps in the bassinette. Yep, the borrowed bassinette is still in my bedroom. It now holds bedding, outgrown clothing, and a variety of little hidden treasures I've probably been looking for.

Yes, the bedding has to be right there, as we have to change our sheets daily...if not, it would be necessary to give them a good vacuuming before we dare bunk down for the night. i know, I KNOW!! WHO vacuums their sheets?????

The bed is already stripped,...the sheets in the washer playfully dancing their daily aggitating jig, while all the joys of yesterdays fun and cuisine are sifting out of them.

Her bedroom is nothing BUT wall to wall toys, although they are binned, and she's only allowed one bin at a time...she just can't handle them being all 'cooped up like that' neat, and in their proper place. If it's in a toybox, in a drawer, in a bin or bag...FIRST AND FOREMOST she has to dump it over and free the little captives! She's OBSESSIVE about it!

Her newest thing is pouring. Pouring her beloved pretzels out of the bag, and into a pyrex pudding bowl. She's proud of herself in this endeavor...never mind the OTHER 19 ounces of twists laying on the floor, amid their bed of salty chunk dust...She happily takes off with the little bowl, into my room, to see what's happening in there, and to stick them to my sheets with her magic glue. I'm sure by the look of accomplishment on her face, that she is VERY proud that she can do that all be herself!

We own TWO big dogs, a german shepherd and a chocolate lab...neither of which like pretzels.

I spend my days off, wandering from room to room, examinging the evidence, cleaning up one war zone while listening to another going on in some other room... and smiling. Yea, smiling.
I am amazed everyday at all she's accomplished, her drive, her idiosyncrasies, her climbing ability, her secret-spy hiding places, and the way the fingerprints on the sliding glass door reach all the way to the top!

This from a child born with the pre-diagnosis of 'slow' and 'low muscle tone'. I don't see the slow. I run after her constantly, and yet STILL can't keep ahead of the mess!
So don't come to my house, expecting to sit down without moving a stack of pageless books, and brushing off the cheeto-remains first...and don't expect your drink to come in a real glass. We still operate with corningware and plastic tumblers around here.

Do expect to see happy parents amidst the ruins, who can count among their newly acquired talents being able to sing the opening song of Spongebob Squarepants, and revel at how much she has grown, by measuring the footprint left in ketsup on the blue carpeting.


On a side note? I HIGHLY recommend Tide with Febreeze Detergent, the Dyson Animal Vacuum Cleaner which can suck up toys and socks into a tube that allows their rescue without well as the Mr Clean Magic Eraser...which has yet to fail us no matter WHAT material she's painting with on ANY surface!


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

ok...ive been neglecting this sue me. i have MYSPACE! but now that the newness has worn off, i realize that i also need to hit here..and maybe stumble onto a few more mom's (tag downs syndrome) which is my main focus in life!

Finding the new moms...letting them know it's gonna be ok...and keeping up with the experienced mom's...and LOOKING FOR HELP!!!!!

This marks our first weeks of school, and it's going DOWNHILL FAST! Evidently, miss molly kate has realized that she will NOT be returning to miss sisco's kindergarten class, and WILL be staying in ms white's 1st grade class, AND SHE IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT!

This, of course, would be communicated in MISS STINKY PANTS! Hitting..pushing...and throwing.'s just started, and she DOES have the remainder of a nasty cold, so hopefully, with a little time and patience...this too shall pass. I'm thinking though, that for their protection, it's all the OTHER kids that need to wear helmets! ha!

She's also switched from ONLY sponge bob...back to the wiggles. Maybe it's not by accident...maybe she's trying to 'get back there' to the time when she wasn't expected to go potty in the toilet...or go to school....or get up early. Maybe it's what we ALL want sometimes.

On the 'others' updates. Bill and angela are currently on a Carnival Cruiser with bill's brother Josh, and his wife....on the way to cozumel. He's been saving two years for this trip...and im SO proud of him!

Gabriel is back in college...although i know it's stressful as he's acting out, also....but calling ME and raging instead of pushing the kid in class! UGH! Half of me wants to run and help both of them...the other half knows that some things?? they just have to work out for themselves. We'll see which half wins this week.

Shauna is rarely seen, and not often heard from...she's taken a new position with the DOJ, as a prosecuting litigator...and the hours are long and hectic. *beam* Her run-in's with pimps are a little unsettling..but not too, as i could hear her SPARKLING, as she recounts them to me! Yep, she's pumped!

The sarge, i think, enjoyed me being least he ate better during the day! I really want to retire...but am too chicken. Besides...i like to spend my money...and he doesnt like to spend sure it would end up being one of them bones....

I took the summer off, and tried to get my missy ready for 1st grade...but mostly got fat and soft. I am not good at home...too comfy.

Nice to see backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk