Monday, September 24, 2007

my apology for the sunday morning rant!

sooooooooooo sorry. I'm so very sorry for venting. Here's the story.
In KC we met up with long time online friends, nicki and her husband jim. They have 3 strapping young men for sons, and one little precioussssssssss baby girl, ashlyn.

Ashlyn had a nagging, weird rash...and mommy of COURSE took her to the ped just to double check on it. He ran some blood work, just to make sure it was just a rash.

At 2 am the next morning, after a whirlwind ride of shock, they checked into Childrens in Grand Rapids, MI. Little ashlyn, who's 2 1/2 years old, has leukemia.

Mom, who just ran her little girl in to the local for a check, is now away from home, the boys with daddy at home, and facing at least a MONTH non-stop in the hospital, just to get the ball rolling!. Since none of this was planned, and there was no time to make the preparations one would for an extended vacation, mommy and ashlyn are up there with only the clothes on their backs, and no $$$$

I woke up sunday, and she was my first thought.....and so ended up my sunday post. Just the shock of it all had caught up with me, i guess, and all the anger came pouring out. Sorry you had to witness that,

So anyway...i have a paypal acct with the email of

If any of you reading this, have a few bucks to spare, you can pay pal it to thinking 100 friends, 5 bucks each would make a nice little gift to send onto her. The hidden expenses of this catastrophe are gonna be phenom. They'll have to SUPER clean the house....including vents, and change EVERYTHING about the way they live...pets outside...isolation rooms...etc. As well as the added expense of daddy driving from home, to grand rapids to check on his baby, WHILE trying to keep a normal school schedule with the three older boys, whom im sure are just BLOWN AWAY by the news.

Just a thought. i would LOVE to be able to feel some kind of useful to this family...trying to turn the anger around into a positve i guess.
So, throwing that out there....and if money is too tight this month (and we ALL understand that) PLEASE, offer some prayers up for the easiest possible cure for this baby....and some peace for her family.


Sunday, September 23, 2007

Getting Angry with God

Sounds blasphemous, doesn't it. Sorry, but who else is there to vent at, when all the evil of the world pours into a young life?

The evil is pediatric cancer, and i just can't get passed PISSED!

It's so wrong.

Wrong that it's been around THIS LONG, and the $$$$ have flowed, and we're STILL NO CLOSER!

Wrong that BABIES get this awful disease.

Wrong that their parents have to hold little hands, while the only path we seem to have to remission, is also the path that ravages their little bodies.

Wrong that mommy has to do this. Has to watch the pain of someone that she has labored and brought into this world. Wrong that she has to convince her child that the hurt is 'for the best' Wrong that THIS is her only hope!


This is not a choice anyone made! This is not the fault of a family! We are asked to live our lives with love for each other, humbly, and in His Service. We try to keep our morality high, and give back to the world. We pray.

and then this???

Worse than angry is the helplessness that the bystander feels. We can pray (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) and send money, but even then the FRUSTRATION of watching a family fight this beast and really NEVER being able to help them is HELL! WHY WHY WHY??!!

Worse than anger is the feeling in my heart when MY little bundle wakes this morning, and looking at her with the knowledge that is not a discriminating disease...THIS HAPPENS THOUSANDS of families! It will touch all of us in some way. And there is not ONE DAMN THING we can do to prevent it!

I DO question my faith. I'm sorry, but i do!

I'm so angry, and sad, and just...impotent in my mommy need to 'make it all better'

It's been decades of research...WHY is this beast not tamed?! Why is there not a 'cocktail' that ALLOWS a life while the cure is being researched. Why is there not a vaccine? Why is there not even a REASON!?


How can THIS much pain in a child BE ALLOWED???

how can mother be PUT THROUGH THIS?

I cannot BELIEVE that the blessings of Life we hold so dear, can be allowed to be RAVAGED! Where is the 'all-knowing, all-loving' PART OF THIS!

Eventually, I know I'll calm down. I'll regret my transgression, I'll fall into a ball of tears and beg for mercy. I'll beg for mercy for the children.

But the fire will still be there, the questions unanswered, the reasons unknown, the cure no closer.

and another mom will get the diagnosis.

I'm so very angry.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Here's little PJ!!

yea yea...i've seen him..ive put him up on my myspace...emailed him around to my friends that don't know them....called people! talked about him at work!! why???...i don't know..

but just LOOK at him! Look at those 'brand new to the world' eyes....SEE THE LOVE...oh man..i can just FEEL it!

There has been SO much strife lately...

losses of children to cancer...

the anniversary of 9-11 and thus of Larry's mom (who just dropped the morning after the shock was too much)

the loss of life in iraq.....and the sheer FRUSTRATION over THAT mess...

so much SAD...that for some reason...this little guy just has SLAPPED me upside the head and said..."I'M HERE! IT'S LIFE! I'ts NEW LIFE! " just CELEBRATE!!

and i feel like spring has sprung all over again.

God Bless you, Daniel and Kathy and your family.

Thank you for getting the results of the test and saying YAY! we're having a BOY! with DS!

I SO know how you felt when we got the news...almost 8 years ago now.....i was off my guourd....but only for a couple of hours....but then?? i said YAY!

New babies...

New Life...


hope for the world.

THESE babies especially offer hope for a new world...a world of acceptance...a world of understanding....and patience...and pure unconditional love. This is what they BRING to us! and maybe, just maybe...we'll take the time to learn.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Human Destructo-Machine.

That's my Molly...I hear "Little Bear" starting on my bedroom television, so can take a minute to post up...and ONLY Little Bear, Sponge Bob or Dora, can allow me this precious time.
I know...I KNOW, it's not good to let them have too much TV time....the TV should not be the babysitter...etc but GIVE ME A BREAK!

She's MESMERIZED by it! She won't move, she barely breathes and her head is cocked back like it's too big for that little neck, and her mouthed is slightly agape. When we do get a new word out of her, it's not one she's learned in speech, or from the thousands of cards displayed in charts among the rooms of the's a word used by little bear or spongebob or dora. She LOVES them!

Plus? then I get the bonus of a chance to do some of the mommy chore's that await.
My bedroom is a disaster area. She's been in there shredding a little paper, and dumping the basket of toys she keeps in the bassinette. Yep, the borrowed bassinette is still in my bedroom. It now holds bedding, outgrown clothing, and a variety of little hidden treasures I've probably been looking for.

Yes, the bedding has to be right there, as we have to change our sheets daily...if not, it would be necessary to give them a good vacuuming before we dare bunk down for the night. i know, I KNOW!! WHO vacuums their sheets?????

The bed is already stripped,...the sheets in the washer playfully dancing their daily aggitating jig, while all the joys of yesterdays fun and cuisine are sifting out of them.

Her bedroom is nothing BUT wall to wall toys, although they are binned, and she's only allowed one bin at a time...she just can't handle them being all 'cooped up like that' neat, and in their proper place. If it's in a toybox, in a drawer, in a bin or bag...FIRST AND FOREMOST she has to dump it over and free the little captives! She's OBSESSIVE about it!

Her newest thing is pouring. Pouring her beloved pretzels out of the bag, and into a pyrex pudding bowl. She's proud of herself in this endeavor...never mind the OTHER 19 ounces of twists laying on the floor, amid their bed of salty chunk dust...She happily takes off with the little bowl, into my room, to see what's happening in there, and to stick them to my sheets with her magic glue. I'm sure by the look of accomplishment on her face, that she is VERY proud that she can do that all be herself!

We own TWO big dogs, a german shepherd and a chocolate lab...neither of which like pretzels.

I spend my days off, wandering from room to room, examinging the evidence, cleaning up one war zone while listening to another going on in some other room... and smiling. Yea, smiling.
I am amazed everyday at all she's accomplished, her drive, her idiosyncrasies, her climbing ability, her secret-spy hiding places, and the way the fingerprints on the sliding glass door reach all the way to the top!

This from a child born with the pre-diagnosis of 'slow' and 'low muscle tone'. I don't see the slow. I run after her constantly, and yet STILL can't keep ahead of the mess!
So don't come to my house, expecting to sit down without moving a stack of pageless books, and brushing off the cheeto-remains first...and don't expect your drink to come in a real glass. We still operate with corningware and plastic tumblers around here.

Do expect to see happy parents amidst the ruins, who can count among their newly acquired talents being able to sing the opening song of Spongebob Squarepants, and revel at how much she has grown, by measuring the footprint left in ketsup on the blue carpeting.


On a side note? I HIGHLY recommend Tide with Febreeze Detergent, the Dyson Animal Vacuum Cleaner which can suck up toys and socks into a tube that allows their rescue without well as the Mr Clean Magic Eraser...which has yet to fail us no matter WHAT material she's painting with on ANY surface!